Gender awareness or paranoia

The other day I was discussing institution of marriage with in-a-dangerously-bridal age Piyali. She shared that after studying social sciences it is virtually impossible to be a wife. “In the family you are not supposed to question, but it is exactly the latter what you learn as a social science student”. I just laughed back and secretly felt glad I would not have to marry in the country where questioning is always perceived as challenging. Yet, later on I raised the issue with Kate and she totally supported Piyali’s stand… Is the concern so universal that equally endorsed in Europe and South Asia?!

Undoubtedly, what we study and what we work in constitutes a major frame of reference for us. Imagine a group of people from diverse walks of life chilling out at a cafe. A one into marketing would think of how professionally the café’s brand is positioned; an economist would come up with tentative estimates of the joint’s profitability; a doctor would name all those diseases one can get by eating from such a place; an engineer would by all means pay attention to the way ventilation system works. Clearly, we all get preoccupied with the concepts we learn through our studies or profession and we tend to apply those to the life situations that we come across.

Then think for a minute…. You are a girl studying social sciences or working with gender issues. Day by day you are learning that society functions to maintain the existing power relations that, as far as gender is concerned, are such that males have been historically dominating the areas related to control over any sort of resources (being it land, money, or social recognition). Find it out for yourself: it is women who take over domestic work that is unpaid and undervalued and it is men who go for paid employment outside their houses; it is women who would be seen sewing clothes and cooking, yet it is men who are well-recognized designers and chefs; it is women who are wanted employees at call centers by the virtue of being considerate and service oriented, yet it is men who take over managerial positions at the same organizations. The trend is clear: women are doomed to the activities meant for in-house consumption and related to the low status, yet men essentially being involved in the same domains tend to take over the tasks related with status, social recognition, and financial success. You also learn that all mentioned universally holds thought varying in manifestations as per specific society. You learnings naturally get empirical support with every article you read, with every discussion you have with colleagues, with every news you get to hear, with every observation of social interactions you get exposed to, with every story your friends tell you …. and…. what is ultimately scary… with your own experience that you are doomed to encounter. Because you are a woman. Virtues circle.

I’ve been into the field of women’s rights for just half a year, but I easily identify all the major deprivations I come across as a women: this is me being harassed by a sexist joke, this is me not being heard, this is me being getting non-equivocal comments on the sustainability of my career plans, this is... Yet, I reckon, the most frustrating is to find out such attitudes in the personal relationship…

I shiver when I picture myself doing dishes while him watching TV (that is how gendered division of labor (or leisure?) is in Russia, for example)…. I have no hassles with doing dishes… I actually find it very stress-reliving. But I am also aware of what the actual situation looks like: regardless the fact you have a nice dual-career family (meaning you both have ambitious career plans) it is you women who is expected to take over domestic chores…. And me, smart, educated, financially independent working women who has a right to choose her partner would feel amazing sense of sisterhood with a backward women from a small village in Bihar married off at the age of 17 with her present full-fledged universe made of kitchen utilities and wishes of her spouse.


How fare is that? Him being fine with having a nice life, you expected to marry and give birth….. Him going for a career and you adjusting your lifestyle to his aspirations….. You love this man anyway, no?! Don’t be stubborn, baby! He decides something for himself and he thinks it would work for both of you. He would definitely ask what ice cream you want, but then he forgets to ask you where on this earth you would like to put down your roots. Hi is not particularly a devil and you are not exactly a saint. That is not the point.
But why do you so often feel victimized on the plea of being vulnerable, being flexible … being women…. Maybe very independent when it comes to your career yet…very submissive and support-seeking with your partner. What if it actually feels divine to find in your partner a shelter protecting you from the aftertaste of lost and won fights in this violent world outside? What if you actually do not mind him dominating and taking decisions for you both? What is that: endorsing gender stereotypes or just being genuine? And what if at some other point of time you can lend your support to him, let him be weak, take decisions for you both? Is he getting less man after? Do you love him less?

We so often talk about gender sensitization for men, yet how much has been done for sensitizing women. How much gender sensitive are we? Gender is not only women – keep repeating we and still fall in the same trap: we blame men. How come that we women are so often brought up with the inferiority complex, rather than with the notion of differences instead. Is it gender inequality or differences actually? If it is only differences we talk about in the personal relationship how come it amounts for the marked social inequality in the broader context?! The whole feministic discourse and activism e.g. related to political participation (hello, Kate ;o) – is it a women’s propensity to articulate sentiments and indulge lengthy discussions? And the ignorance of the mainstream (=male dominated) political discourse to the feminists’ standpoints? Just male tendency not to pay attention to the details or them consciously ignoring the same?

My ramblings seem to be akin to the “third-year-disease” that medical students tend to come across when after amassing a certain amount of knowledge they are able to detect in themselves symptoms of almost any existing disease. Apparently, this is nothing but a transitional stage that is followed by adjustment once you develop some sort of self-preservation mechanism … and then… this is also something they say about doctors… your threshold of tolerance gets so much that it turns in cynicism ….I hope that never happens in my case...