Done or not?

There are days when I open my wardrobe with anticipation: I dig in and pull out my favorite biggest ever black patiala pants, hip-long light green kurta with low V-neck and black little top to wear under. I match it with golden metal ear-rings with little bells that ring whenever I move my head, with a black velvet bag decorated with golden embroidery, fish scales-like beeds and a ribbon instead of clasp and golden sandals – what can make you happier than being able to wear these cuties without doubts in November. My Indian-Western mix-n-match outfit deliberately thought through gives me amazing confidence and I step out of the house in the incredible mood. I easily convince an auto-walla to go on my price after the second try. I am on the way to meet a friend or a few of them; I am texting some other people on the way and get messages back. I am sticking my head out of the auto just to get a feel of the huge motorway, wind, sun, rush of the vehicles and people around – and the ultimate love to the country that saturates every pore of my body.

There are days when I dig in the piles of clothes all over the room and put on my favorite shabby pants that I have been wearing for at least a week now. I get a random comfy top. I do not have any interest in picking a pair of earrings as there is nothing to match them with anyway. I fasten my walking sandals, put my bag of rough cotton across the shoulder and step out of the house in the total indifference to the life happening out there. I am deep in my thoughts even when constantly challenged to interact with the outside world. I am maneuvering between dangerously-close passing by men and vehicle without a sign of concert. In fact, these days I go outside only if there is a burning need, such as visiting an Internet café ;o). But that no need seems urgent – I am so reluctant to engage in any interaction that I would prefer to survive on the food stock available in the house, rather than bothering myself with any shopping however minor. I am thinking my past and future or at times not thinking at all – anything but present is on my mind. I am watching my old pictures and strangely longing for the places I am yet anchor at one day. I am carefully protecting my mental peace that can be established only if I know if I am not in this country – my mind can be anywhere and as far as I do not go outside or get to see people I can be happily convinced in that. My phone is silent the whole day and even I have no will whatsoever to bother it with calls or messages to anyone. I feel done – work-relationship-anyhow-wise. I open my wardrobe and look around – this I’ll post, this I’ll give away, this I’ll wear, this I’ll carry home. I am mentally packing.

Yet to the questions as for when I am leaving I still give ambiguous answers. I do not mind explaining things when I am sorted in every detail. When I am not – I rather prefer making sense for myself than for the others if I am to choose. And I am to choose these days. Sorry, people…